


Well, that certainly was Quite Interesting

by nymeriahale



Category: British Comedian RPF, Would I Lie To You? RPF
Genre: Canon-Typical Racism, Coming Out, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-05
Updated: 2013-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-23 19:45:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/625862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nymeriahale/pseuds/nymeriahale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>David agrees to take part in a love based episode of QI in the hope that there will be an opportunity for him and Lee to come out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Well, that certainly was Quite Interesting

“Good evening, good evening, good evening,” Stephen Fry greeted genially, as was his custom. “Hello and welcome to a very romantic episode of QI, where tonight we will be focussing on the theme of Love.” The audience ‘awwed’ as stereotypical harp music played in the background and cupids appeared on the screen. “Joining me on our journey down the Tunnel of Love tonight, we have: the one your mother dreamed of, David Mitchell! The one your mother fancied, Lee Mack! The one your mother warned you about, Jimmy Carr! And the one your mother didn’t know about, the eminently lovable Alan Davies!”

“It’s all very well saying I’m ‘eminently lovable’, Stephen, but I’m still the one you won’t admit to!” Alan pointed out as soon as the applause died down.

“You think you’ve got it rough, what about me?” Jimmy demanded. “He’s made me out to be some kind of, of sexual predator! Which I am not,” he stated indignantly, before leering at the audience.

“Boys, boys, boys, you know full well I can only read out what it says on the card,” Stephen placated. “Regardless of how I feel about any of you personally, these are the descriptors I have been given. Erm, now then-“

“Hang on a minute, are you saying your mother _didn’t_ fancy me?” Lee demanded.

“I’m rather afraid that is what I’m implying, Lee.” Stephen stated, much to Lee’s dismay. “Now then, as you have all no doubt come to expect, you all have buzzers. Jimmy goes,” Jimmy pressed his buzzer, causing _Don’t You Want Me Baby_ to pour out of the studio speakers, to which he instantly began to dance and mime along. “Oh, that’s wonderful,” Stephen smiled. “And Lee goes:” _I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You_ begins to play this time, much to Lee’s delight.

“Someone in this studio likes me,” Lee grinned.

“Very true,” Stephen chuckled. “Now, David goes,” David was right to be apprehensive in pushing his buzzer, as for him it’s: _I Wanna Know What Love Is_.

“Oh, great, thanks,” David said sarcastically as Lee smirked. “I’m sensing that two different people do the buzzers and the introductions. At first I was ‘the one your mother dreamed of’ – which I must admit did mildly alarm me – and now I can’t get a partner, which would likely be negated by the former, surely.” 

“Very true, very true. And finally, Alan goes,” to a great rush of ‘aw’s from the audience, _Just The Way You Are_ played. “Think of it as my apology, if you will.”

“There are definitely two entirely different people doing these things,” David stated.

“No, David, I think you’ll find that there are in fact two _partially_ different people controlling the buzzers and the intros.” Lee span in his chair to face David, kicking his leg lightly.

When it became clear David had no response better than a glare, Stephen continued, “Now that all this foreplay is out of the way, what do you know about the red string of fate?”

“Oh, that’s some stupid Eastern belief, isn’t it?” David asked.

“Knowing this show, probably not,” Lee cut in.

“No, no, he’s along the right kind of lines,” Stephen assured them, sounding slightly apprehensive.

“Well, that’s good to know,” Jimmy grinned. “It’s an invisible red string tied around the pinkie finger of people that links them to their soul mate.”

“Oh,” Stephen groaned as the buzzer set off and the phrase: ‘Ties soul mates/lovers’ flashed on the screens.

“No, but, what? But you just told him he was right!” Jimmy protested.

“You’ll have to do better than that to claim points, I’m afraid. Indeed, the common misconception is that it binds lovers together, but that is simply not true-”

“Well of course it’s not true, we’re not all wandering around with invisible, immaterial bits of red string attached to our hands, linking us to the only other person, out of all 7 billion on this planet, that we are destined to fall in love with. It’s clearly rubbish!” David exclaimed.

“David, David, can I quickly just ask why you are on this show?” Jimmy questioned, “Not that you’re not _very_ funny, but you’re also the person I would least expect to be on the QI episode based around love. As you yourself have mentioned, you are notoriously – and happily – single, and I would go as far as to say that you are the least romantic man I know. Why on earth would you take part in this episode?”

“Well, they asked nicely.” David replied defensively, unhappy with the reminder that the public still perceived him as single. “I should say-”

“It’s ‘cause I was on,” Lee leant back in his chair. “I told him they’d invited me, and he just uses any excuse to stay close to me.”

Ignoring Lee, the audience and the blush that had risen up his neck, David valiantly went on, “I did come on this show with the understanding that I was perfectly entitled to mock every single segment of it. It’s not like they – and you, for that matter – didn’t know what to expect.”

Jimmy tilted his head to convey that he conceded the point, while the audience laughed.

“What I should perhaps have said,” Stephen continued, “Is that is not what the proverb that this legend is based on states. What it does say is that it will bind together ‘those who are destined to meet’, but there is no specification that those two people will fall in love, or indeed have any close relationship. It could simply be two stranger meeting on a train and then never seeing each other again. Now, Jimmy told us that it bound on the pinkie finger, which is indeed true in Japanese culture, but can anyone tell me where it binds in Chinese culture?”

“It’s the ankle, isn’t it?” Alan asked.

“Is the right answer!” Stephen exclaimed. “Points for you!”

“I remember this – and this is great, you’ll like this,” Alan told the audience. “I remember this because we were shown a cartoon book with that red string thingy on in school, and I thought that these people had escaped from prison and run away together. My teacher laughed so hard she couldn’t explain it to me for about five minutes.”

“Oh no,” Stephen covered his mouth with his hand. “I hate to say it, but that really is quite brilliant. It’s quite a reasonable assumption to make, really.”

“If you ever see me pulling someone along by a chain around their ankles, I just want to clarify that was definitely because we were destined to be together, and just couldn’t separate. There was absolutely no other reason for this.” Jimmy stated, perfectly straight faced.

Once the laughter had died down, Stephen moved on to a new topic. “Now, the more astute among you may have noticed that rather than our customary ‘i’ there is a giant bottle present on the set with us today.”

“Is there?” Lee leant over the desk to get a good look. “So there is. I did not notice that.”

“I’ve said it before, Lee, and I shall say it again: you cannot be that stupid. It is not actually possible.” Stephen groaned.

“You know, I didn’t spot it either, and I take offence to this!” Alan said firmly. “I think you’re prejudiced against the less intelligent. And besides, just because we didn’t notice the change in a _massive_ object _directly_ in front of us, does not make us thick.”

“No, it just makes you visually impaired,” David quipped.

“Oh my God,” Lee started as the audience began to applaud, leaning forwards and squinting in their direction. “Are there... are there people out there?”

“Even if you couldn’t see them, Lee, you would have heard them before now and thus been aware of their existence.” 

“You do know this isn’t _Would I Lie To You?_ , don’t you, Dave? You don’t actually have to pick holes in everything I say.”

“But it’s so much fun, at least partially because it’s so easy,” David smirked, unremorseful. He couldn’t help the fond smile that broke out on his face as Lee pretended to be deeply hurt, though he tried to make it look more mocking.

“It’s something you posh blokes have got against the less intelligent,” Alan claimed. “It’s not just Stephen, it’s you too!”

“I take offence to being called a ‘bloke’,” David replied calmly, pulling his eyes from Lee to face Alan.

“Oh, David, I think you’ve taken it too far,” Stephen warned as Lee covered his face with his hands and pretended to cry.

“No, don’t split this up, I wanted a fight!” Jimmy cut in eagerly, “Shush, let him dig himself deep into a hole, so we can watch Lee bury him there!” 

“Horrible man,” Stephen chided. “Apologise, David.”

“I’m very sorry that I was mean, Lee. I am in no way saying this because Stephen Fry ordered me to.” David said sincerely, moving his chair closer and placing a hand on Lee’s shoulder, which was still shaking – clearly with suppressed laughter.

“Hmmm, that will do. Now kiss and make up,” Stephen ordered. David took a breath as Lee’s shoulders stilled beneath his hand and he sat up, David’s hand slipping down his back. This was the opportunity he had been waiting for. Lee had wanted them to be public for a good year now, but David had never had the courage. This was what he had been hoping for when he had agreed to take part in the show, a chance to show Lee that he was brave enough, that he could do this now.

“I won’t forgive you unless you kiss me,” Lee grinned, tears suddenly forgotten. The audience hooted and began to chant ‘Kiss, kiss, kiss’. Lee’s eyes widened slightly as he realised that David’s hand wasn’t moving from his back, that he might actually be considering doing this. David raised a subtle, questioning eyebrow to check that Lee would be okay with this, and Lee’s sudden grin answered all.

With that confirmation and to the roars of the audience, David leaned in and planted his lips on Lee’s. The angle wasn’t perfect, as both of them were at a slight risk of falling out of their chairs, but they managed well enough. The cheers from the crowd lessened in confusion when the two didn’t make a dramatic show of snogging each other, or separate after a brief peck as they might expect. Instead, they received a rather comfortable, casual exchange of affection.

In the sudden quiet, Lee pulled David further in by the nape of the neck, and then ran a thumb along David’s jawline from ear to chin in a way that never failed to make him shudder. In response, David lowered his hand on Lee’s back, then slipped it up under his shirt a little way, grateful that the audience couldn’t quite see what he was doing. A sudden increase in the cheering made them both grin, rendering it impossible for them to continue kissing. With a slow stroke of his thumb over the small of Lee’s back and a final peck, David pulled away.

“Satisfied?” He asked, raising an arch eyebrow while totally aware that his daft, slightly smug grin completely ruined the effect.

“I hope you talked to Tara before you kissed me like that,” Lee responded, the lingering remnants of surprise on his face melting into a slight hint of concern.

“Yes, she knew what I was planning to do. I checked with a lot of people,” David confirmed, his smile widening as Lee grinned delightedly at him and then took his hand, edging his chair closer again.

“By being unable to take your eyes off each other – sweet as it is – you are missing some class reactions over here,” Stephen interrupted gently. The two men turned to face Alan and Jimmy, both chuckling at Jimmy’s dropped jaw and laughing outright when he tried to push it shut, only to have it fall open again. Alan had his head resting on his palm and was facing the two of them with a wistful expression on his face. As they finished laughing at Jimmy, Alan sat up and began applauding, sparking off another massive cheer from the audience, who had hardly settled down in the first place.

David was now well aware that he was flushing furiously, and couldn't quite resist his temptation to bury his face in Lee’s neck, rather excited about the fact that he could, now. This of course drew another round of ‘aw’s from the audience, in turn causing David to blush more furiously and bury deeper in Lee’s neck.

“I don’t think he thought this part out,” Lee called out, before tugging David into him and triggering yet more ‘aw’s.

“There should be some kind of audience buzzer on the phrase ‘aw’,” David said, sitting up. He wasn’t going to stop blushing any time soon and burrowing into Lee, pleasant as it was, was hardly going to help the situation. “It’s an incredibly annoying sound,” he justified.

“I do believe you bought it on yourself,” Stephen smiled. “If you’re going to kiss your... boyfriend, partner, lover, whichever word you want, at a recording of a TV show, then I’m afraid you deserve to endure some ‘aw’s, at the very least.”

Lee stood up, drawing a slightly worried look from David. “Can I just say something?” he yelled to the audience. “I know a lot of you will have tweeted and texted and whatever already, but I would really, really love it if I could sit down to watch this episode with my family – if the BBC airs this bit – without them knowing what was going to happen. Please, please, tell your friends that you were lying, delete your tweets, and I’ll film their reaction for you and post it on David’s YouTube channel. He can even have a rant about how ridiculous it is to ‘aw’ at people, if he wants?”

“I’d be delighted to rant about that,” David responded.

“So, could you do that?” The calls of ‘yes’ from the audience were deafening. “Awesome,” Lee grinned. “For that, you get another kiss.” The audience cheered even more wildly at this announcement, whistling loudly. Lee turned towards David, having not yet lost the grin that ended their last kiss, and sat down straddling his thighs. The sides of the chair made that a rather precarious position for Lee, but as he leaned over David to deliver on his promise to the audience, it didn’t seem to matter.

As the two kissed happily, they failed to notice Jimmy Carr rushing around to their side of the set. They did notice, however, when he pushed the edge of David’s chair and sent them both spinning, David having to clutch on to Lee tightly to prevent him from falling. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he smirked when the two stopped spinning and Lee glared up at him. “It just had to be done. I’ll go now. I’m very happy for you,” he bowed to the audience – who had clearly agreed that it had to be done – before returning to his seat.

“I hope you don’t imagine I’ll always been this happy with public displays of affection,” David told Lee. “We’re not going to be snogging our way through _Would I Lie To You?_ You can consider this brief period of happiness to be probably the only time you get to kiss me on TV. Not,” he hastened to clarify, “that this means you should take advantage of it. Give me two minutes to descend from this... this cloud of joy, and I’ll be very unhappy with you kissing me. In front of people.”

“’Cloud of joy?’ I think that must be the most be the most romantic thing you’ve ever said in your life, David Mitchell,” Stephen declared happily as David blushed further.

“Oh no, he’s quite a sap, really,” Lee assured them.

“I can feel my cloud of joy descending the more you lie about me,” David warned. “Now get off me, you heavy git.” He said with a shove.

“That’s not what you said last night,” Lee grinned, unrepentant as David glared, but consenting to sit back in his own chair.

“Well,” was all Stephen could manage as the two of them faced him, David still incredibly red faced and both smiling widely, but otherwise acting as if nothing had happened. “Perhaps we could move on with the show now? Oh, but this next bit seems rather pointless, it was orchestrated to force a combination of David, Lee and Alan to kiss, but the audience has rather already had their fix. Oh, you’ve ruined my game!” he exclaimed.

“We could kiss again, if you like?” Lee offered to the audience’s clear approval.

“No, no we couldn’t,” David countered, his blush growing back. “I’m sure we’ve covered enough time with this debacle, why don’t we move on to the next round?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Constructive criticism is always welcome :)


End file.
